How Do We Find Home?
by BuyMeLiliesWhenImSad
Summary: Callie tries to deal with being alone but then she rans into Arizona in the elevator. A one-shot set around the 6x22 elevator scene.


**AN: I found it very exciting to do my first one-shot, so here's another one. This one is set in 6x22 – the elevator scene which just happens to be my very favorite Calzone scene...ever! It always makes my stomach twist and curl and writing this wasn't an exception. It actually hurt, a lot. But here we go…**

**Disclaimer: All rights and characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.**

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All I need to do right now is go home, go home and dwell in my own misery. Chew on that fact that I'm all alone despite the love of my life being so close. This is about the hardest thing I've ever had to do; being separated from love and not just any love; but _the_ love. Watching glimpses of Arizona as she walks by, interacts with patients, eats in the cafeteria, even just sits doing charts – it's torture; it's like having my heart ripped out, pinned and then smashed to the floor. And all I can do is watch it happen, watch as she breathes the air I'm breathing and feel it get harder and harder with every passing second. I need to get out of here, I need to open that very large bottle of non-water at home, and I need to cry. Again. I need to cry because that seems to be the only thing I'm good at these days. So I hurry into the elevator carriage, press the button and place myself in the back while trying to collect my thoughts. Taking a deep breath I feel my heart drop even more…I don't even know what she's doing right now, when I get home she won't be there to greet me or there won't be any texts telling me that she wants me to drop by or asking if she can come over. I don't know if she's in surgery now or if she's at home, if she's _even_ home? And it kills me not knowing. Because all I do is think about her, all I do is trying _not_ to think about her, but still she's the one thing my mind lets me think of. And it hurts, it hurts because I know we'll never find a way back to each other again. Our different needs for a future are those big holes in the bumpy road, and it feels like even though we would discuss it to the end of time we will never be able to fill those holes for us to drive safely home – together. It hurts. I never thought the need of children would come as a barrier for my love life, or just my life. I never thought that I would find the love of my life and even less, I never thought a desire to create a family would be the thing tearing me away from that same love. So to say my life is pretty messed up right now would be an understatement. It's actually as screwed up as my life has ever been.

I let the breath escape my lungs and look up as the carriage-ding signals the opening of the doors, but as I thought I had gained some control over my breathing, there she is. There she is in all her majestic being; her golden locks softly curled and cascading down her shoulders, her eyes somehow still shining and her lips creating that small smile I always find so sexy. I think I died again, and just when I thought I couldn't hurt anymore she appears and kills me all over with her beauty and the fact that I can't have her…anymore.

"Hey," she softly speaks as she turns around, her back and that gorgeous blonde hair being the only thing I can look at.

"Hey," I breathe back.

What am I going to do now? She's so, so close. I can smell her perfume as it creeps itself into my nostrils, making me remember all those nights I've been sniffing and inhaling her pillow when she's been working or the days I've spent cuddled up on the couch in the crook of her neck. And then it hurts again – like a knife cutting through every chamber of my heart, like a fist punching my stomach, like a hammer slamming my head again and again. I can't contain it anymore, I can't press my vehemently yearnings down anymore…What is it we're doing? Why are we doing this? How come we can't find a way where we can make a future of both our wishes? I know Arizona doesn't want kids but maybe, just maybe she will come around at some point? Maybe if we talk again or try to list off all the reasons why we want what we want, and then come up with some way to mix it, it could work out good? I need us to try again because I can't stand this anymore. I simply just can't, I'm going to die all over again…and from a heartbreak, even though people say it's not possible; but I'm going to prove all those people wrong, they clearly haven't been in love and then have that love taken away. And I know that Arizona feels it too, I know she feels something. Because she was just as sad and miserable as I was when we broke, and though she might seem all calm and settled with this situation I know she isn't. I know her. She hurts too. So I can't hold it back anymore, I need to say her name. I need for her to hear me, see me, touch me. Just the tiniest kind of contact…

"Arizona…" I breathe with a sigh as my heart cries, and I've only let her name slip from my lips before the soft, smooth lips I've been yearning for since I last felt them is on mine. The whole world stops as I let Arizona kiss me, as I let myself participate in something I know I should regret but don't. I feel my entire body explode with love; because even though I'm so sad all I will ever be able to feel when Arizona kisses me is love. Anything else isn't possible. The kiss is greedy and needy but oh does it feel amazing. I want to cry and scream and push her away but hold her closer than I've ever done before, all at the same time. The way our heads keep turning from one side to another, the way our hearts beat, makes me believe that somewhere we should be able to find home. Somewhere there will be a path for us to follow. Just somewhere…

But just as quickly as she was on my lips, her hand on my cheek, just as quickly is it over. Arizona pulls away to briefly look into my eyes and in those nanoseconds I see my life. I see what my life used to be and what I desperately need it to be again. But how does a person go from one stand to another without losing yourself in between? Our foreheads rest against each other as our breaths washes over our faces; Arizona's smell sending shivers down my spine, her taste pricking my taste buds all the way to my core, her warm touch raising every hair on my body. I miss her, I miss her so terribly and that's it. That's the thing I'm going to die from; the loss of the woman I love more than I love life and the thought of me being the reason that it is so. But I can't change the way I feel, I can't keep compromising what I believe in. Though there's nothing in the world I'd want to do more right now.

Arizona leans in to kiss me again but then withdraws as she sighs. All I want to do is grasp her hips and hold her closer, keep those lips on mine for just a minute more. I need the sweet nectar of life, I need whatever it is she pours into me to help me breathe – to resurrect, to keep me alive. But before I can even acknowledge my own thoughts she's gone; I watch her disappear out of the elevator doors, her svelte body almost dancing across the floor, her golden hair wave in the slow wind her speed produces. And all I can do is lean back against the wall, sighing as I once again watch the woman of my life walking in a different direction than me. But some way we will meet, some way we will find the path leading both of us into each other's arms again because I believe in second chances. I believe in the fact that people that are meant to be will find each other. And most of all, I believe in love; love being everything Arizona and I represents. Because I love her and I will never ever be able to change that; even if it means I'm going to die every single day.

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**So, it's like very emotional...but I think this could actually be a pretty good picture on what's going on inside of Callie.**  
**What do you guys think?**


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